


Dear Universe

by eeearnest



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Dark, Depression, Epistolary, F/M, Happy Ending, KakaSaku Month 2017, Suicidal Thoughts, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 01:11:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11840862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eeearnest/pseuds/eeearnest
Summary: Trigger Warning: Suicidal and depressing thoughts. This fic is VERY DARK, if you are looking for FLUFF this is NOT IT.At least, not even close until the second half, and even then...~Sakura has been seeing a therapist for over a year now and nothing seems to be helping. Everything just keeps getting deeper and the downward spiral begins.Written in Epistolary format for KakaSaku Month 2017 Week 3





	1. Sakura

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: TRIGGER WARNING DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE IN ANY WAY POSSIBLY AFFECTED BY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND DEPRESSION.
> 
> That being said I feel I have sufficiently warned you of the dark content of the story.  
> Let's hope for a happy ending!  
> Will we get it though?  
> I don't know!  
> *cackles*

Dear Universe

 

 

“So Sakura, how long have you been coming to see me?”

Sakura frowned, _what was the point of that question? Are you making fun of how long it’s taking my ‘sick mind’ to heal?_

“A little over a year, why.”

The doctor sighed and put his pen and clipboard down.

“Because we aren’t getting anywhere. The real issues are deep here and we haven’t even scratched the surface.”

“I’ve basically told you my life story, how could the issues _possibly_ be any deeper?”

_Lie._

“Now, Sakura. I have access to your files, I know what is true and what is a lie. I know you’re not opening up to me. Not opening up to anyone, actually."

"I open up. I get out my feelings."

"Taking out your anger and frustration on your environment isn't healthy, you resort to violence to deal with your problems and that could cause problems in future relationships. When you get mad you want to punch something, anything. See how that can be a problem when you want to start punching people?"

Somewhere inside her she agreed. But it was just so much... easier.

The counselor sighed and gave her a sort of half smile, "Why don’t we start again? Make a clean slate and start fresh. Perhaps we can start with your parents. Tell me about them?”

Sakura remained quiet on the therapist’s leather couch. A clock ticked in the background and grew louder in her ears the longer she took to respond. With a deep breath she decided to stop lying and just tell him. _What was the worst thing that could happen?_

“My parents were Kizashi and Mebuki Haruno. Neither of them became ninja, so they were civilians. I was born to civilian parents. By the time of my first memory they had taken up drinking and once I got older it grew worse. Once I could take care of myself I barely saw or talked to them. They didn’t care about me. Basically I had surpassed them and actually achieved my goals. Not that they would know that. They died during the chunin exams… twelve years ago? Fourteen? Something like that. At the time everyone who died in the destruction just had a mass funeral. We... were all too busy mourning the Third that I didn’t really notice the passing of my parents. It was sort of glanced over.”

“I see, thank you for sharing.”

An egg timer rang on her therapist’s desk. It was in the shape of an actual egg. You turned the bottom to make it work. It would count down from thirty minutes, the length of their session. Once a week for thirty minutes. Every Monday. She pushed herself up off the couch, the leather squeaking embarrassingly under her hands.

Sakura moved to leave through the door.

“Wait, just one more thing before you go.”

“Yeah?”

“I’d like you to try something new.”

“What is it?”

“Writing letters. No not to someone, but just write them and send them off on a messenger bird. They won’t actually go anywhere and it would be a medium for… ‘letting go’ if you will.”

“I’ll think about it.”

She pushed open the door and left the office.

…

Sakura made her way home. She had the day off today. About three months ago, Kakashi had brought her into the Hokage office. A tiny part of her hoped he just wanted to see her. For old time’s sake, she had thought.

That was definitely not his intention with the meeting.

‘ _Sakura, I’ve heard from some of the other hospital staff that you’ve been working too much. You’ve been scheduling yourself more than twice what is necessary and working more than that. You can’t keep doing that, you’ll burn out and we can’t afford to lose one of our finest medics.’_

 _One_ of their finest. So she wasn’t _the best._ _Who was better than her outside of Tsunade and Shizune who weren’t even in the village anymore!?_

_‘So we’re cutting you back. You’re not allowed to work more than 50 hours maximum a week and I want you to start seeing a therapist. I know, I know, you think it’s not necessary. But truly, we worry about you.’_

There was no _I_ there. He doesn’t worry about her specifically, _he’s just covering his ass._

_‘But doesn’t the hospital need me there?’_

_‘It’s fine, Sakura, we can find other medics to fill the gap. Take a break. Hell, take a vacation. You deserve it.’_

That’s what he said, but she had heard,

_‘You’re easy enough to replace.’_

She had wanted to say, _‘But this is the only thing I’m good at, please don’t take my work away from me.’_ But what came out was actually a pathetic, _‘As you wish, Hokage-Sama.’_

The pity in his eyes was something she'll never forget. He thought he was helping her.

Nothing had changed in the three months since, she was still working half the hours as before and without the extra pay, things were getting a little thin financially for Sakura. With the _mandatory_ therapy and all.

 _Take a break,_ they said. _It’ll be fine,_ they said. _But why does it feel like a punishment more than a break?_ Sakura had previously used the time she worked to keep herself busy, to keep her mind off how isolated her life had become. Now working half the time she used to, her mind would wander. And it did not go to pleasant places.

_Look at how fucked up my life is. Everyone is moving on and I’m still stuck behind._

She used to spend time with friends, Ino, Naruto, and sometimes others from their class. Ino was now running her parents' flower shop and an important part of the interrogation unit, they didn't have time to coordinate lunches together anymore. Naruto had gotten married to Hinata, once she had finally confessed. _And I even helped her figure out what to say. I cheered her on._ Now they had two kids and Naruto was studying in all his spare time to take over the Hokage position. He was moving up in the world and what had she accomplished?

Being _one_ of the best medics. She had trained under Tsunade herself! Why wasn't she the best?

…

"Did you try writing any letters this week?"

"I guess I don't know what to write about."

"Anything, really, thoughts, feelings, what you did that day, you could tell the letters whatever you wanted. Take comfort in the fact that no one will read them, you can tell them anything."

She blew a piece of hair up off her face and let it fall back against her forehead.

"Maybe." _You know I'm not doing it, so why don't you make me?_

"That's all I ask. How are you eating lately?"

"Fine." _I haven't eaten today._

_Scribble scribble._

"Try and write something this week." He looked up from his clipboard and gave her a smile. _Fake._

_Ding._

Sakura gave him an equally fake smile as she pushed herself off of the disinfectant scented leather couch.

_Why am I faking? Why is he? Why am I paying for fake therapy?_

…

"Sakura it's been three weeks, why haven't you written anything?"

"Why do you want me to write so badly?"

She let her eyes roll forward to look at her therapist, his eyebrow twitched just for a second and she smiled. The first true smile she had worn in too many months to count. _Finally we're getting somewhere._ If he was angry with her that told her he truly cared. Or as close to caring for her that a therapist would ever get.

_Maybe I'll try this letter writing after all._

_Maybe._

_…_

~~Hello,~~

~~Wait, am I talking to anyone?~~

~~Hi there!~~

~~Dear reader~~

~~How’s it going~~

~~Dear~~

~~Someone~~

~~Anyone~~

Dear Universe,

I won't be telling you my name.

…

"I wrote a letter this week."

He seemed just the slightest bit surprised and might have even smiled at her.

_I knew he thought I would never do it. Jokes on him, it was a fucking shitty letter._

"That's great. Should we make a goal? Say... 3 a week?"

"Mh."

"I think we might finally be making some progress, Sakura."

 _Just stop bugging me about the_ damn _letters. The damn letters that weren't going anywhere._

"Tell me, how is work going?"

_That was not what I meant._

_Ding._

…

Dear Universe,

I am 26 years old. I work as a medic at the hospital. I've lived in Konoha all my life.

…

She sighed as she unlocked her apartment and walked inside. The smell of her apartment was that of old wood and slightly rotten disinfectant. She cleaned religiously to keep away bugs but there was only so much you could do without ripping open the walls to clean them too.

_I didn't stop for veggies._

She opened the freezer to take out the chicken, but her freezer was sadly empty beyond a bag of frozen peas. (She hated peas).

_Oh well I guess I’ll just make rice. Why do you suck at planning so much?_

She pulled the container she kept it in off the second shelf in her pantry and opened it. There was only half a cup in the bottom.

_Shit. Something is better than nothing, I guess. Definitely need to go grocery shopping._

She dumped the last of the rice into her rice cooker, added water and turned it on.

 _All right 20 minutes or something and we'll be done._ I can sit down.

She flopped down on her couch and her eyelids felt so heavy.

_Maybe I could snooze for just a moment..._

She awoke later and got up.

_Oh no._

She sighed and walked to the kitchen. She opened the rice cooker like you would a baby's diaper, knowing you're going to be disgusted by what's inside.

It was more than done.

The air that billowed out of the small appliance was smoky and grey, not the steam you're supposed to see when you open the damn thing.

She had created a solid rice monster. Sakura tried poking the rice inside too see if there was any saving it, but no luck, it had become a tiny brown and black brick.

 _Fucking great. I don't even care anymore_.

She dropped the rice cooker lid on the counter and sat down on her floor. She held her head in her hands and just sat there.

_What am I doing? Why can’t I even make RICE!?_

Her stomach growled but she didn't feel like eating anymore. She was just so tired.

So tired.

A tear dropped down her cheek, followed by another and another until she was a sobbing mess with snot coming out of her nose and her eyes were red and puffy from crying.

_I don't even have the energy to get up._

…

She woke up still lying on her kitchen floor. Her body ached and she didn't want to move.

_What time is it? I don't even care._

She pulled herself up off the floor and saw the failed rice from last night.

_Ugh, this is why they think you need a therapist, Sakura._

…

"So, continuing where we left off last week... how is--"

"I burnt some rice this week."

"Burnt rice." His tone was flat, he obviously didn't approve of the change of subject.

"Yes," She sighed, it made her feel terrible to even say one thing to this stupid therapist but it was better than talking about work, the one thing that made her feel needed but also worthless. Even if telling him about the rice just made her feel worthless all over again.

"So I didn't eat anything that night." _Or the night before that._

"Has this sort of thing happened a lot?" _Yes._

"Well," she let the word hand in the silence for a minute before continuing, "Not this specific scenario."

"And how does burning the rice make you feel."

She _hated_ that question. _'How does that make you feel, and what did you feel when that happened? What sort of emotions were present at that time, did that event make you feel strongly in any way? Stop fucking asking about 'how does that make you feel!?' It makes me feel awful, it was my last half cup of rice and I was hungry!_

"I dunno, it was just rice." _My last half-cup of rice._

"It wasn't that big of deal." _I was hungry._

 _"_ I ate earlier that day." _I didn't eat anything that day._

_Why am I lying to him?_

"When was the last time you had someone join you for dinner?"

"Let's... not talk about that."

Sakura breathed out and let the smell of the disinfectant on the leather couch fill her nose. The scent made her nose itch.

"That's fine. Have you written any letters this week?"

"I did."

"Great." _False enthusiasm. He can't wait for me to leave._

They sat in silence for another couple of minutes.

_Ding._

…

Dear Universe,

My parents were killed during one of the times the village was razed to the ground. I can't remember which time.

Why can't I remember?

…

Dear Universe,

I haven't eaten in two days, I feel horrible but I still can't eat.

…

Dear Universe,

Why am I writing these letters? It's not as if anyone reads them.

Today I actually ate some yogurt. I felt like throwing it up all day at work today, but I didn't.

Should I be proud?

Or disappointed?

…

"Hello, Sakura."

"Hi, Doc."

_Tap, tap, tap on his notepad._

"Write any letters this week?"

"Three."

"Really?" _Scribble scribble._

"Yeah."

"That's fantastic." _Condescending fuck._

He smiled at her, and Sakura gave him a sort of returned smirk.

"I really don't see what they're doing for me, no one reads them."

"It doesn't matter that no one reads them, it is simply a way for you to vent your feelings."

_Why does he always sound like he thinks he's better than me? I'm not a child, I could kill you fifty different ways without leaving a trace..._

"Mh."

"Now, I know you've been skirting this question for a while, but I'd really like to talk with you about it today."

Sakura sighed, she knew what was coming.

"Tell me how work is going."

"It's fine." _Not._

"Really. Care to further explain?" _He knows I'm lying._

"I go to work the same time every day. I leave my house 30 minutes early, to familiarize myself with patient charts before the shift begins. I get there and put on my uniform lab coat, and start treating patients. The shifts are always 12 hours long. The patients are fine, and the coworkers are fine. I clock out and go home."

"Mm. And nothing special has happened at work lately?"

"Not that I recall." _Except I put on a face every day. Dr. Sakura is a complete fake. Dr. Sakura isn't always happy-go-lucky and happy to sneak kids multiple lollipops during their visit. Dr. Sakura fixes everyone up. But the one person Dr. Sakura can't heal is herself. She doesn't have any cuts, or broken bones, it's something deeper. Something her healing chakra can't reach._

She put on a smile for the therapist.

"It's great. I think I might even be making a friend there."

"What's her name?"

"I think it's Mitsuki." _Fake-ass flake Mitsuki._

"Mitsuki. Hm. Great. I'm glad you're making friends." _He doesn't believe me. He knows I'm lying._

_Ding._

_…_

Dear Universe,

Saw an old friend today. Or at least I thought he was an old friend. I even said hi to him, but he didn't even look up or acknowledge me.

Completely ignored me.

I told myself he probably didn't hear me. After all his wife and kids were probably way more entertaining then the friend he hasn't talked to in years.

I feel alone.

How long has it been since they died? Since he deserted? How long since Tsunade left and he became Hokage? How long?

How long since I lost all my friends?

…

Dear Universe,

Everyone I used to know is moving on in their lives, getting married, having kids.

Why am I still single?

Is there anyone left for me?

Why don't I have any kids?

…

Dear Universe,

A better question, why do I want them?

…

"Hello."

"Hello."

"And how are you doing this week, Sakura?"

"Great." She gave him an 'okay' hand with three fingers up.

_I'm actually depressed as fuck._

"Good to hear. How are your letters going?"

"They're fine."

"Have you had time to think about my proposal from a while back?"

"And which one would that be?"

"I recommended trying an anti-depressants regimen."

"No thanks."

"I really think they could help you..."

"I said no thanks."

He put his hands up in a surrendering pose and picked up his pen to tap against his notepad.

_Tap, tap, tap._

"Would you like to tell me why?"

"I don't want to take any pills. Pills are for sick people. Give them to someone who _really_ needs them."

She was practically bating him. _I know what you want to say. I know you want to say that I'm sick. I'm crazy. That I need these pills. That they will make me all better. Except they won't. I'm afraid I'll be addicted._

Her therapist sighed, the words just behind his filter.

_Let them out, doc.  Let them out! I dare you. Tell me I'm the one needing help._

_Tap, tap, tap._

Sakura looked around her therapist's office. She was lying on a dark burgundy leather couch, cliché for a therapist's office. She had thought it was classy the first time she had seen it. Now it just made her think of how many people had sat it in. It no longer smelt like leather, but of disinfectant. Lemon scented. There were shelves filled with random books around the room. One session several months ago she had spent the entire time just looking at his books and not saying anything.

None of them had caught her eye, they were all about psychology and random therapist journals and magazines. Basically instructional textbooks on how to tell her she was crazy without actually saying it.

In front of one of the large windows in the office was a large wooden desk, organized neatly into piles of paperwork, pen holders, a stapler, and other random items. There used to be a photo on his desk of his family, but when Sakura had mentioned it one session and that was all they had talked about for two weeks, he took it down.

The room was obviously meant to make the client feel comfortable, like you were talking to the cool uncle in his study. It didn't make Sakura feel like that. The room was so sterile she felt like she was in an exam room, a subject being studied. The therapist's questions were the pokes and proddings.

"I really am just--"

_Ding._

…

Dear Universe,

Went on a date today. It went horribly. It was a blind date set up by one of my colleagues, the only one who gives even half a shit about me. Turned out the guy was a total ass and just wanted to get in my pants to see if the curtains matched the drapes. What a sick loser.

Why did I tell him no?

Part of me feels good that I told him no, I.... _did the right thing._

Why didn't I let him take me home?

What is the 'right' thing?

Why do I feel _even more_ alone?

…

Dear Universe,

I found probably the only picture in existence of my father yesterday. I called in sick to work. I actually didn't leave the house at all.

I feel horrible.

Why do I feel horrible?

My father was an alcoholic, who beat my mother and to escape she drank too. They were horrible parents. Why do I miss them?

And another question,

Why am I equally glad they are gone?

…

Dear Universe,

Went back to work today. Everyone was so _nice_. I've never called in to work before and they were just so _nice_ to me. Why don't they act like this when I'm not sick? Why aren't I friends with anyone? The girl who gave half a shit about me even asked if there was anything she could do.

Why do I feel like I need to lie to them about how happy I am? About how much 'help' I _don't_ need?

A new girl started a work today. Apparently, she's a transfer from a different village.

I feel threatened by her.

Why is that my first response?

…

"So I hear you stayed home sick from work a day or something this week."

"Yeah."

"What were you sick with?"

"Common cold." _I was actually so filled with mixed feelings over the loss of my parents I didn't think I could focus at work. I missed them terribly, and yet most of the time my feelings towards my parents are usually animosity._

_Silence._

"Are you okay now?"

"Yeah, it's fine." _I think I might call in sick more often, they were so nice to me when I came back._

"Did you have any time to write this week?"

"Yes."

"Good."

_Tap, tap, tap._

"Are you working too much?"

"Tch, not enough."

"You know what I mean."

"I'm fine." _Besides my lack of money from paying you._

"If you're sure..."

She didn't respond.

_Scribble scribble scribble. Big circle._

"What are you writing?"

"Notes."

"Mhm... notes."

"We really do have your best interests at heart, Sakura."

"Do you really? Why was I happier _before_ you cut my work? Why was I happier _before_ I started this therapy? Why was I _happier_ before Naruto got married? Before Kakashi became Hokage?"

_Before I lost everything?_

"That is what we're trying to find out."

 _Ding_.

"We made some real progress today, Sakura. Let's try and keep moving forward."

_But why does it feel like a step back?_

…

Dear Universe,

I locked my keys in my apartment today. My landlord lives on the other way of town and I had no way to contact him. The only one around was my creep neighbor, who only agreed to unlock the door if he could grope me.

Why did I let him?

Why did I like it? Did I like it?

Why did it feel good to physically touch another human being? He's disgusting.

Why do I feel sick?

Why do I feel the need to scrub my skin raw?

…

Dear Universe,

I let milk go bad again today.

My neighbor thinks he's won me over and now wants to 'get to know me'.

Why did I say yes?

I went 'out on a date' with him.  He tried to sleep with me.

I told him no.

He told me I was a stuck-up bitch and shouldn't lead people on. He hit me.

How did I lead him on?

Why do I feel bad about telling him no?

Why do I feel like I missed out?

…

Dear Universe,

I drank the milk that went bad. Threw it all up. It was like cottage cheese in my toilet.

I don't think I'm going to buy milk again for a while.

The neighbor guy won't stop harassing me.

I don't have the heart to fight back. I think he waits to jump out and attack me.

I don't feel safe in my own apartment anymore.

But where can I go?

…

"What's bothering you, Sakura?"

"Nothing." _My neighbor won't stop harassing me and I'm constantly paranoid that he's going to break into my apartment and wait for me to come home and rape me. It wouldn’t be too much of a stretch of the imagination, after all he helped me break in the other day._

"You seem tense."

"Well, I am worried about my finances. I don't make as much as I used to, you know." _Your bills are so high I can barely afford my rent._

"We do offer programs..."

"How could I make that work? I already get a discount for being on the active duty roster, and I just got a pay raise at work. What more could I _ask_ for? It was fine when I was working more."

Sakura crossed her arms.

There was no way he would be convincing her this was _better_.

Taking away her work just gave her more time to worry about everything else.

They sat in tense silence for five minutes.

"How are the letters coming?"

"Fine."

"That's good."

"Why?"

"Sorry?"

"Why is it good that I'm writing to no one? What is it supposed to do for me?"

"I told you it is a way for you to vent..."

"Well it's not a very good one."

She got off the squeaky sofa and took the egg timer off the desk and turned it.

_Ding._

"See you next week."

"Please don't give up." It was quiet, he was genuinely worried about it.

Or was he? _Probably just milking me for all the money he can get._

She slammed the door a little too hard and heard the hinges separate from the wall as she left.

…

Dear Universe,

My therapist thinks I shouldn't give up. He _thinks_ we're making progress. I think that I'm paying him too much for him to be a glorified cheerleader.

I came in the back window of my apartment today to try and avoid my creepy neighbor.

I'm almost certain he's been in my apartment.

I'm almost certain things have been moved.

I watch things religiously now, wiping off surfaces and doorknobs, hoping to catch fingerprints or a sign... something to tell me I'm not crazy.

I'm not crazy.

I'm not crazy.

…

Dear Universe,

I felt pretty bad today. My dad's favorite song came on the radio and I lost it at work today. I found a closet and sat on a bucket for three hours, crying.

He's been dead for years, along with my mother.

Why does grief come and go?

What do I do if it never leaves?

WHY am I feeling grief in the first place? They were horrible people!

I think the new girl might have heard me in the closet.

Here's to hoping she doesn't rat me out.

I'm still suspicious of her.

…

Dear Universe,

I burned a photograph today of a boy who broke my heart and deserted the village. It felt good.

It felt like I was erasing his presence from the planet.

Except there are two other photos just like that one that I know exist in the village?

I put the half-burnt photo back in a frame.

The other two in the picture are just as alien to me as the one I've burnt. I feel like I should burn them too.

But I don't.

Why?

…

"Sakura."

_He sounds disappointed._

"What is it now."

"I've heard that we had a bit of an episode at work last week."

_A bit of an episode? Is that what they call standing silent in a patient’s room, staring off into space and ignoring them completely when they speak to you? Is that what they call leaving that room with no explanation and hiding in a supply closet for an ungodly amount of time, sobbing over the father that hated you?_

_That probably would_ still _hate you if he were alive?_

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"Come now, tell me what was the matter."

"I heard a particularly sad song."

"Most people don't cry in a closet for three hours when they hear a... sad song."

_Well no shit, idiot._

She sighed.

"I'm not most people."

"No that you are not."

"I hope you mean only the best by that."

"Of course." _Crazy bitch._

_Fake smile._

"And how are the letters going for you?"

"Just dandy. I wish you would stop asking about them." _It doesn't make them more enjoyable or easier to write every time you do._

"All right, I'll stop asking about them. Just as long as you don't stop writing them, deal?"

"Deal." She said it only half-heartedly.

_Are we resorting to bribery now?_

"What do you want to talk about today?"

Sakura looked up, this was a change of pace from their normal conversation. Normally it was kind of the other way around, and her therapist guided the conversation. She frowned at him.

"I don't really know what to talk about. It all sucks."

"What sucks?"

"Oh, I don’t know. Think about it!" _Don't let him too far in._ "My life sucks, my job sucks, my friends are gone, my apartment is shitty and I can't afford to move. What else is new?"

"How do you think your job sucks?"

"Pass." _Let's not talk about that place, the place I want to see more of yet feel completely fake while I'm there..._

"Okay, tell me about your friends. What's the matter with them?"

"They're non-existent." _Don't tell him... he won't understand about Sasuke, Naruto, Kakashi, Ino..._

"So they've died?"

"Might as well have." _I haven't seen them for so long._

"There's not much I can do about the apartment situation besides recommending that you move based on environmental stressors... it takes a while but I will see what I can do."

_What? Why hasn't he offered that before?_

"So... that has been an option the _whole_ time?" Sakura tried to keep the surprise out of her voice.

"If I had known how much of an impact if had on your life sooner, we might have been able to do something sooner, yes. But you wouldn't open up to me."

_Evil bastard._

She narrowed her eyes at him. He gave her one of his fake smiles.

_Ding._

"Thank you, Sakura. It seems our time is up." _Now get out._

…

Dear Universe,

I actually told my therapist something this week.

Not sure why.

I got my new work schedule today, apparently someone found out about the bucket in the closet incident and they decided that I was stressed out from work.

Oh I forgot to tell you that they took the scheduling privilege from me. (Part of the overworking issue).

Why don't they get it? Don't they see that the hospital is my only reprieve?

That I only get real human contact when I'm there at work?

That I _need_ to work more to take my mind off of the grief?

But maybe they also _do_ get it. Maybe they see that I'm putting on a fake face at work.

Is this fake porcelain mask I put on at work holding me together or breaking me apart?

…

Dear Universe,

I remembered why I work at the hospital today. It's the only thing I'm good at.

I'm twiddling my thumbs at this point.

I cleaning my shitty apartment three times today.

So the new schedule we got says I only work 30 hours a week now.

I feel like they're edging me out. After all no one wants a crazy person working with them.

Especially not in a hospital.

Am I crazy?

I suspect the new girl is being trained to take my place. Sometimes I catch people looking at me with pity in their eyes.

Look at the poor crazy girl, too bad she's going to be fired.

I don't want to be fired.

I can't be alone with these thoughts.

I can't afford to live here without this job.

I couldn't afford groceries this week, I've been living off cafeteria coffee and random snacks people leave in the break room.

Why can't I catch a break?

…

Dear Universe,

The idiot old friend brought in his equally idiotic child to my work today because he had done something stupid and gotten himself hurt.

I tried to be civil with them. My porcelain mask was in place.

I must have tried too hard, they didn't even ask if anything was wrong. He didn't even ask how I'd been.

Why do I want them to ask if something is wrong?

Do I just want them to care?

Do I want to say yes?

I gave the child two suckers.

I found some money pushed under my door this morning. Not sure whether to be suspicious or thankful.

At least I can buy some groceries.

…

"Hi doc."

"Hello, Sakura."

Sakura held her hands in her lap that day and twiddled her thumbs.

"I saw one of the 'friends' last week."

"How did it go?" _Horribly._

_Tick, tick, tick._

"Not as great as I'd like." _Why did you tell him that?_

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"He brought in his son. Apparently he had gotten hurt while they were doing some training way to advanced for a child of his age. He's only like 6 I think."

"Is this... Naruto we are speaking of?"

"Yeah. I guess I never thought I'd be missing his friendship," _Stop running your mouth!_ "He used to be the one with no friends and now it seems the shoe is on the other foot, so to speak."

Her therapist stayed silent, probably waiting to see if she would spill more of her guts.

"I saw him a while back," _Stop talking, please. We need to keep these feelings to ourselves. Stop playing a pity party._ "He was out with his family."

Sakura sighed and leaned back against the couch.

"I tried to say hello and he didn't even look up." _Didn't even acknowledge my existence._

"Do you think he meant to be rude?" _Of course not, Naruto doesn't have a rude bone in his body. Doesn't change the fact he ignored me and we haven't talking in years._

"No."

_Silence._

_Tap, tap, tap._

_Not to mention that I'm jealous of him._

_His success. His happiness._

_"_ Sakura?"

She looked up.

"Sakura, I was saying... are you sure you don't want to try an anti-depressant?"

_I don't want to be addicted._

"Maybe."

He pulled a small orange bottle out of his pocket and handed it to her.

"Now it's recommended to take just one a day, and make sure you report any side-effects you may experience."

"I know, I know. See you later, doc."

Their session wasn't over, but the conversation was. Sakura walked towards the door and noticed it had been replaced.

"Sorry about your door."

…

Dear Universe,

I took the pills the therapist offered today.

The pills...

They make my head feel numb and I feel fake.

Fake.

The pills were a glue to pull myself back together.

Well sorry Universe, but the pills must have been that dried up shitty glue that doesn't do shit.

I feel like my porcelain mask is cracking and they're trying to glue me back together.

It's not working.

P.S. I’m still paranoid about my neighbor. I haven’t heard anything lately, but that doesn’t mean anything.

That doesn’t mean anything.

…

Dear Universe,

I woke up sweating this morning.

It's December.

…

Dear Universe,

I feel like there's an Inner me. And she wants to be free, but is she the one that gives me all these horrible thoughts?

Or is she the one trying to stop me?

…

"How are things, Sakura? Are you feeling better?"

"No."

"They say medicine works better if you believe in it. Are you hoping it will work?"

_No, I'm hoping it fails. Asshat. Of course, I'm trying._

_"_ I don't know Doc..."

"I have a different kind you can try..."

"No, please. No more. I honestly don't even want the rest of the first bottle."

_Silence._

_Tap, tap, tap._

"Have you heard anything about...?"

"No."

"How's work?"

"They cut my hours again."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

_You're probably the one that recommended it to them, you traitor._

"I don't feel like talking today. Can I just go?"

Her therapist nodded.

There was no ding today.

…

Dear Universe,

The therapist tried to give me more pills today.

I refused.

It was the right thing to do.

I think.

…

Sakura sent the messenger bird off as usual. She wrote her letters and the bird was usually waiting for her on the windowsill. She would put the little paper in the compartment on their legs and watch them fly off with her message to the Universe. Sakura had to admit it was nice to put it on paper.

She took a nap, with her adjusted schedule she was only six hour shifts now. 10 PM to 4 AM. It was usually slow. Sakura rationalized that she wanted to work nights so others didn't have to. _It's probably so you expose less people to your crazy._

...

She hung up her lab coat before leaving the hospital. She took the same route leaving the hospital as she had coming.  She told herself again... that she worked these shifts so no one else had to.

But it was really so she didn't have to see anyone on her way home from work.

So she could go straight home and not have to talk to anyone.

Or worry about them asking about her day.

Or having to lie to them about how she felt.

The very few times she had accidentally run into someone, she threw on a fake smile and hoped they wouldn't notice.

Notice the bags under her eyes from lack of sleep.

That was before she got her hours cut. Now she had bags because she laid awake at night thinking about all the fuckups that could have been avoided that day.

She stayed up most days for quite a while before sleeping.

Working nights screwed with her sleep.

She tried going to sleep early that night/day.

She wasn't able to actually get to sleep until midmorning.

The sun taunted her with its brightness.

_Leave me alone, can't you see I'm embracing the darkness?_

…

Dear Universe,

I had today off work.

I really shouldn't be allowed to have these, my mind goes to pretty bad places.

I thought about the Asshole today.

Who is Asshole?

Let me tell you.

Asshole is a boy I met in the Academy, we grew up together. Of course 'grew up together' is putting it loosely. We hardly shared more than a handful of words from the time we met until we were placed on the same team. And 3 out of 5 of them were you are annoying.

A real charmer.

But my idiot-self thought I was in love with the Asshole.

I decided it was fate that we had been placed on a team together and continued to _pester_ him with my affections.

It was probably me who made ~~Sasuke~~ Asshole leave the village. ~~~~

I was always reassured that it had nothing to do with me.

But what I always thought was, was I _really_ so insignificant to him?

I decided I would never love again when he tried to kill me.

Sometimes I wonder if everyone would be better off if he had succeeded.

…

Dear Universe,

I got a letter saying I was taken off the active duty roster today.

What does that even mean? I haven't been sent on a mission in forever.

Why do I miss it?

The only thing I know is that now that I'm not on the active duty roster, they will probably take away my therapy discount.

How will I make the ends meet?

I don't think I can afford mandatory therapy if that's taken away.

But would I really be at a loss without him?

…

Dear Universe,

I visited the dark depths again today.

This time I thought about Scarecrow.

I haven't seen him in months.

But I haven't really _seen_ or _talked_ to the ACTUAL Scarecrow for a lot longer than that.

Ever since our team died.

It was probably my fault too. After all, I couldn't bring Asshole back, and that was the turning point.

I thought things were fine when I was training under Strong Woman but now that she’s gone….

I thought about talking to Scarecrow about the active duty roster thing, but I don’t want to confront him.

He’s probably too busy teaching the Old Friend anyway.

He never did have time for me.

Am I really so detestable?

~~Who am I kidding, of course I am~~

...

Miss Haruno Sakura,

We regret to inform you as you are no longer on the active duty roster, the discount for Dr. ~~Jaeger’s~~ services has been revoked, along with all other discounts or services rendered under the active duty discount. These actions will take into effect 30 days from today, the 14 th of February.

Dr. ~~Jaeger’s~~ office has been notified of this change.

If you should have any concerns, please let us know.

Thank you for your years of service.

Human Resources Director

Nara Shikamaru

Authorized by

Hatake Kakashi, Rokudaime

Signature:

_Hatake Kakashi_

…

Sakura let the letter flutter to the floor. Her knees felt weak and she crumbled. _How could he do this to me!? I thought my therapist was talking to them!_

She did a quick calculation of how much she was making and how much rent was, how much her bills were, how much groceries were, how much her therapist cost.

There wasn’t enough.

_I guess I won’t be going to the mandatory therapy anymore._

_What could they possibly do to me now?_

_How much more could they_ possibly _take!?_

Her chest felt tight, _why can’t I breathe?_

She desperately wanted to breathe.

But they weren’t letting her.

…

Dear Universe,

I skipped therapy this week.

I fear I’ll be stuck in this hell hole forever now. My only chance to get out was that therapy, and now that I can’t afford the sessions… how can I get out?

I got my first full bill from Dr. Jaeger’s office today.

The amount is more than an entire paycheck.

For just one session.

I probably won’t pay it.

Did I even get anything from the sessions?

…

Dear Universe,

I came home from work today and my apartment was broken into.

I didn’t call the police, what was there to report? That someone had broken in?

There was nothing to take.

I have a feeling it was my neighbor.

I feel even more paranoid now.

Should I take to carrying a weapon?

When was the last time I had to use a kunai?

…

Dear Universe,

I went to work today, and I fucked up.

I let the mask slip.

Again.

I’m worried they’re going to fire me.

The new girl is taking more and more of my surgeries and new patients.

When did they start hating me so much?

Maybe it would be better if I just quit.

…

Dear Universe,

Why am I even writing you?

Is it because you’re the only one I can talk to anymore?

When did it become easier to talk to no one?

I overheard a conversation at work today. A couple of girls were whispering in the break room, thinking no one was listening. ~~Of course they wouldn’t notice me anyway, no one notices me anymore.~~ They were talking about me. One said they felt sorry for me. The other said that they had heard from higher up that it was only a matter of time, and the only reason I hadn’t been fired yet was because I was trying to get help, seeing a therapist and all that.

What will happen to me when they find out I stopped going?

How will I pay rent?

Who would hire me?

I’m so tired.

…

Dear Universe,

I went grocery shopping today.

I was out of razors and needed to buy food.

I bought the razors.

I forgot the food.

_…_

Hokage-sama,

Haruno Sakura did not attend the weekly appointment for her therapy this afternoon. And hasn’t for the past three weeks.

I’m worried.

Dr. Jaeger

…

Dear Universe,

I threw up today, if you could call it that.

There wasn’t any food in my stomach and all that came up was a disgusting bile, yellowish and acidic. It burned for hours afterward no matter how much water I drank.

Made myself eat some crackers.

My stomach hurt afterwards.

Why does it hurt to eat?

I missed therapy again.

This time I didn’t feel bad. After all if I stop going, I’ll stop seeing the outrageous bills in my mail… right?

…

Dear Universe,

Sorry it’s been so long since I wrote to you. (Is a few weeks too long? Are you still listening?)

I am afraid all the time now. I’ve taken to wearing a weapons pouch on me at all times.

I know my coworkers think I’m crazy now.

Who wears weapons to work!?

I’d like to tell them someone who’s a paranoid fuck and to mind their own business.

But if they stop thinking about me, there won’t be anyone left to care.

…

Sakura,

Hey! We should meet up sometime soon!

Naruto

…

Dear Universe,

I got a note from Old Friend this week.

He wants to meet up.

Should I go?

…

Dear Universe,

Old Friend made me get ramen with him today.

I couldn’t afford to buy it but I went anyway.

We ate at his favorite stand. While we waited a saw my reflection in one of the shiny napkin holders they have on the tables, noticed how ugly I looked. When did my face become so gaunt? When did my hair become so pale? How has no one else noticed?

~~Because no one else cares, idiot~~

We got our food and ate. The soup hurt my stomach. I hadn’t eaten anything else that day, and it cramped around the practically unheard of addition to my diet.

Old Friend was energetic as always, thank Kami. If he had asked me a question I’m not sure I could have answered.

I can’t remember the last time I talked to someone outside of work and my therapist.

I wonder why he invited me out.

…

Dear Universe,

I got sent home from work today.

They claimed I looked so tired that I was going to collapse at any second and that it was an ‘endangerment’ to the patients.

I think they just wanted to be rid of me.

My days are numbered.

Rent is due.

I don’t have the money.

…

Dear Universe,

Great.

I was found out at the hospital.

I bet that traitor Dr. Jaeger bitched me out.

Now I have all day every day to think.

All day every day to worry.

I got fired today.

…

Dear Universe,

My thoughts are closing in.

I haven’t left the apartment in a week.

I’m almost out of food. I think I have some crackers in the cupboard.

I’m a week past due on all my bills.

I wonder when everything will be shut off and I’ll be evicted?

I don’t like thinking about it.

But what else is there to think about?

~~You know what else there is to think about.~~

…

Dear Universe,

My landlord is evicting me.

I have 30 days to get out of my apartment.

I don’t have anywhere to go or anyone to go to.

I pulled out the pack of razors today.

…

The bird left her window sill that day, perfectly unaware of what was happening in her apartment.

Sakura thought the letters were going nowhere, perhaps just being tossed in the bin or lost by the bird along the way.

She did not know how incredibly wrong she was.

The messenger bird flew his familiar path to the red tower. He’d been making the trip three times a week. He tapped on the window in the upper offices of the tower and was let in by a silver-haired man. The bird liked this man, he always scratched his neck feathers and sometimes gave him little treats of food.

Today there were no bits of food.

The man’s fingers shook as he took the bit of paper from the bird’s compartment on its leg and read it. The paper slipped to the floor and the bird debated hopping to the ground to retrieve it.

The man had water coming out of his eyes.

_Why did he always have water coming out of his eyes when he received the letters from her?_

_Why was it only from her?_

The bird tilted his head waiting for further direction. The man gave him a signal to wait.

He pulled out a piece of paper and started writing.

…

 

 

 

 


	2. Kakashi

Dear Universe

Kakashi

The letters had started sometime in November.

The first time he got one, he thought perhaps it had been sent to the wrong person, or written in code. He ended up throwing it away, just in case it was something from an enemy.

Then they kept coming.

The second one was the girl describing herself or at least he assumed it was a girl, there weren’t many men going into the medical field regardless of how much the field would prosper from their participation.

Regardless, he just assumed it was being delivered to the wrong address and filed it away in a drawer. Maybe one day he would find the correct person the letters were supposed to be going to.

Whoever this ‘Universe’ person was.

They came three times a week, these letters. Most of them were just a couple of sentences. He read them all.

It was clear whoever was writing them was going through a hard time. Kakashi reasoned that even if the letters weren’t meant for him (were they meant for anyone?), that someone needed to read them. Someone needed to know what was going on in the person’s life.

Their parents were dead. They’re having trouble eating.

The letters started getting more personal. The writer was opening up to the Universe. He caught himself wondering who the writer might be, but there were so many people in Konoha, so many medical staff, everyone’s parents were dead… it was impossible to guess.

Kakashi was enraged when he found out about her neighbor.

He was sure it was a woman now.

When she described not having enough money to eat, it hurt his heart. No one should be starving in his village.

The writer was traveling down a dark path, and there wasn’t anything he could do to stop it. He didn’t know who the person was, and there wasn’t really a way to trace her either.

Her predicament weighed on his soul.

Then she started taking pills.

It reminded him too much of his younger years. The ink smudged on that letter from the tears he swore weren't pouring out of his eyes for this woman.

One letter talked about a boy she used to know.

The next letter she had received a notice about being taken off active duty.

Kakashi swore to himself.

Who had he recently taken off active duty? Everyone was getting married, settling down, the requests were coming in left and right. How could I have missed her?

"Shikamaru."

"Yes, Hokage-sama?"

He rubbed his palms into his eyes and let them run down his face. He was exhausted.

...

Kakashi wanted to cancel all of his appointments, to find this girl, to go see her, to fix what he had broken, but the only thing he could manage was an hour break to cry for her.

_Crying isn't helping her or you out._

_Then why can't I stop the tears?_

_Who are you?_

...

The only thing that gave him an ounce of hope was that the letters didn't stop coming.

When she said she had skipped therapy, Kakashi made a note to himself to pay a visit her therapist.

But there were so many therapists in Konoha, how could he possibly know which one was hers?

...

When her apartment was broken into, Kakashi wanted to send ANBU out to protect her, but since he didn't know where she lived, it was pointless.

Every horrible thing that happened to her sliced straight through to his heart.

...

She was becoming paranoid. He knew the feeling and feared even more for her safety.

...

"Hokage-sama?"

It was Shikamaru.

"Yes?"

"Now, you know I'm not one to pry, lest I get involved in something that takes way too much time or energy... but I can't help but wonder. What has you so depressed?"

"Just stressed out. Nothing too much to worry about."

"Mh."

The young man returned to his desk to go over the next meeting's agenda. He hated lying to Shikamaru, he was smart enough to know when he was lying but lazy enough not to call him out on it.

Kakashi sighed.

There weren't any letters that week.

...

Or the next two weeks.

At least, not from the anonymous writer.

A few days ago he received from a Dr. Jaeger that Sakura hadn't been going to the therapist that he recommended what seemed like forever ago. He waved it off, thinking that she probably just got sick of him.

Kami knows how many therapists Kakashi went through in his younger years.

...

When the messenger bird tapped on his window Monday morning three weeks after the last letter, Kakashi had mixed feelings. He was ecstatic that the woman hadn't done something incredibly stupid since her last message, but was also sad. He knew the letter would bring him to tears.

It did.

...

And then it clicked.

Sakura was seeing Dr. Jaeger.

The writer was seeing a therapist.

Sakura hadn't seen her therapist in three weeks, at least.

The writer had stopped seeing their therapist a while ago.

Oh no.

He couldn't prove it yet, but he was sure.

...

_The writer is Sakura. Sakura is the writer. My student. My Sakura._

_I don't even have the right to call her that anymore. I've failed her._

_I'm the one that approved the list to take her off of active duty._

_Why did I do that?_

_Maybe I could convince Naruto to take her out or something?_

He sent the message to his student.

_How could I be so stupid?_

...

In one of her next letters, Sakura mentioned going out with Naruto and noticing how ugly she perceived herself. It was a sickening thing to read and he wanted to slap Naruto for not noticing how low his friend had fallen.

_I thought they were still close!?_

Apparently not.

...

Later that week she slipped, her therapist's name was written in the letter.

Dr. Jaeger.

_The bastard_.

His fears were confirmed, and now his poor student was out a job.

_I wonder if I can do some digging and find out who her landlord is. Getting her job back might be a little harder._

...

"Shikamaru!"

"Hokage-sama?"

"I need you to do some digging for me. A couple of things."

"What are they."

"One: I need you to find out who Sakura Haruno's landlord is, get me all the details,"

"Can do."

"Two: I need Sakura put back on active duty."

"Tch. That one is a little harder to do."

"And why is that."

"We need approval from her therapist."

"Get it."

_I'm trying Sakura. Hold out for me._

...

_Dear Universe,_

_My landlord is evicting me._

_I have 30 days to get out of my apartment._

_I don’t have anywhere to go or anyone to go to._

_I pulled out the pack of razors today._

 

Kakashi let the tears flow as his heart broke open for her. The bird who always brought him her messages waited for orders. He scratched the bird's neck feathers just so and gave him a signal to wait.

He wasn't going to let her do this alone.

...

_What do I call her? Do I let her know it's me?_

 

Dear Sakura,

First of all, I won't be telling you my name.

That was how we met, wasn't it?

I wanted to let you know I received all your letters.

I wish I could hug you.

I wish I could make everything right for you.

Beat some sense into the therapist, Old Friend, Asshole, Scarecrow and your weird neighbor. (He's an asshole, don't believe what he says about you, I promise you are a kind and wanted human being.)

But unfortunately, I can't.

If it makes you feel better, you can pretend I beat them up.

Please don't give up.

I know that's all the therapist ever spouted, but...

 

I'm here for you.

 

*cat doodle*

 

He didn't know what to put at the end, he couldn't full well tell her he wouldn't introduce himself and then sign it.

So Kakashi decided to put doodles at the bottom of any letters he sent.

She didn't respond for another week.

...

Dear Universe,

~~WHO ARE YOU~~

I know you said you wouldn't introduce yourself, but those letters were meant to be to no one. You read them!?

Who am I kidding of course you did!

I'm not sure whether to be offended and angry or not.

I appreciate your concern, all I did was look at them.

My legs were feeling hairy.

...

He knew the end was a lie, but at least she responded.

...

Dear Sakura,

I did read your letters, I knew they weren't to me, but I honestly felt that if your words were lost in the great unknown... if you were lost to the great unknown... we as a world would have suffered a great loss.

Please don't be offended, I meant no offense by my response.

I know what you're going through.

...

Dear Universe,

Hmph. Sure, the world would be at a great loss without me. How?

If I were to die, honestly the only person who would be affected would be my landlord, and he's already fucked as I won't have rent anytime soon and I'll be evicted in the next few weeks.

Lastly, how could you possibly know what I'm going through!?

...

Dear Sakura,

Every soul on this planet is important, in one way or another.

Yeah that's the vague shit everyone told me too.

But really, everyone has their purpose, we just have to find yours. I honestly thought you liked working at the hospital.

.

About how I know.

I used to be a ninja too.

Now I'm nothing more than a pencil pusher.

I can explain it all to you if you have the time.

...

Dear ~~Universe~~ Stranger,

You aren't the universe, so I'll be calling you 'Stranger' from now on.

I did like working at the hospital. At least before I had to fake being happy there.

You used to be a ninja?

Go right ahead, not like I have any plans.

P.S. How do you know my name?

...

Dear Sakura,

Do you want to go back to working at the hospital? What made you feel like you needed to fake happiness?

.

Yes I used to be a ninja.

Before I go into that, it's important to know both of my parents died before I graduated the Academy. People used to tell me horrible things about my father, and I lost any respect I had for the man. It was a strange feeling as a child, looking up at your father as a hero one day, and then after he killed himself, everyone mocking you for being a coward's son. When I learned what he had done, I wondered, why did they call him a coward?

.

Goodness it would have been something like 30 years ago now when I graduated the Academy. I was teamed up with a decently smart girl (probably not too unlike yourself), and an idiot. I didn't spend too much time as a chuunin and was advanced to a jounin really quickly. This isn't bragging, I'm just telling you how things happened.

I shouldn't have been promoted so quickly.

I wasn't ready.

I was leading my first mission.

I lost both my teammates.

On my first mission as a jounin.

I can remember the feelings. The being alone. My sensei was still alive, but he was busy with other things. So I was asked to join ANBU. I would later find out that it was so they could keep an eye on me.

Apparently I was labeled as 'unstable'.

They made me go to therapy too.

I remember thinking, if I killed myself, would I be a coward too, like my father?

...

Dear Stranger,

Of course I want to go back to the hospital, it was the only place I felt like I actually accomplished anything worthy of doing.

Not like I can go back now though, they've fired me.

Did they ever tell you that taking your anger out on the training grounds was unhealthy?

I used to try and vent like that, but my therapist told me not to.

I bottled it up and I really shouldn't have.

I'm sorry to hear about your teammates, were you very close to them?

I wonder why they would put such a young person in ANBU so quickly, surely that was more damaging then positive?

I'm sure I've been labeled so many times.

Crazy.

Paranoid.

Bitch.

Did you like your therapist?

...

Dear Sakura,

They fucking should have. I used to exhaust myself so often on the training grounds. It was _not_ healthy.

Your therapist may have actually been correct about that. What was frustrating you so much that you needed to punch something?

.

At first I wasn't close to them, I thought the boy was an idiot. (He was in love with the girl, but she liked me. I didn't return the feelings and it made our dynamic awkward.)

Once they were gone... that's when I felt just how much of a hold they had created on my life. It felt like someone had chopped off both of my arms and were aiming to come back for the legs.

I don't think you're crazy.

Honestly the Academy enforces paranoia, so that's normal.

And you aren't a bitch.

(If you heard that from your asshat of a neighbor, you can put that out of your mind, he's the creepy weirdo here.)

.

I hated my therapists.

...

Konoha Hospital HR Department,

 

Hello,

I would like to discuss the recent displacement of Sakura Haruno.

Please visit the Hokage tower at your earliest convenience.

 

Rokudaime Hokage,

Hatake Kakashi

...

 

Dear Stranger,

I see. Today was the eviction day. I expected my landlord to come by today, but he didn’t... I'm so confused.

The normal things, not being able to keep up financially, stupid patients and idiot coworkers. I'm single so I also don't have anyone to come home and vent to.

.

That sounds like how I felt about my old team. One of the boys liked me but he was an idiot. I liked the other boy but he didn't return the feelings. Like you've previously heard, that is Asshole.

Trying to go on without them makes me feel hollow. My team was dissolved when asshole left the village. Eventually I learned under Tsunade (since you already know who I am I guess it's no point in hiding names anymore, is there?), but when she left the village after Kakashi became Hokage, she didn't keep touch and neither did the others left from my team.

It made me feel isolated.

Alone.

Nice to know someone who was labeled as unstable doesn't think I'm crazy.

.

Therapists?

You had more than one?

...

Kakashi smiled at the paper in his hands.

Now you won't have to worry about rent, Sakura. We will take care of you.

"Shikamaru!"

"Yes?"

"I need you to bring me a list of suitable apartments to place a high-class shinobi in near the hospital."

"Right away, sir."

"Thank you, Shikamaru."

He pulled a piece of paper out of the pack of stationery that was slowly being consumed by the letters. It was a good feeling to talk to her. To get her over this hump.

...

Dear Sakura,

Glad to hear you weren't evicted today. Here's to hoping you won't be anytime soon either.

A woman such as you? Single?

It is a travesty. I know so many men who would be more than willing to go out with a woman as smart as you.

.

I felt the same when my sensei died just a handful of years later. It was like someone had targeted everyone close to me. I felt personally attacked.

You're not alone.

I'm here for you.

.

I'll have you know I think I'm very stable now!

.

I can't remember how many therapists I went through. I think one even came out of retirement to speak with me.

I know there was at least seven.

...

Kakashi rolled up the note and stuck it to the messenger bird's leg before sending him off. A knock at the door made him turn.

"Come in."

A woman in a white lab coat walked in.

"Ah, I've been expecting you."

...

Dear Stranger,

If I were in front of you, I'd be narrowing my eyes at you. I am suspicious. Not only have I not been evicted but my utilities have also not been shut off.

It is a very.... strange occurrence.

Not many positive things like this happen in my life.

It doesn't change much though, next month the same thing will happen. I'm also down to very little from my last paycheck at the hospital and haven't purchased groceries in a while.

Have you ever had to force yourself to eat?

.

Pfft.

I assure you, these 'many men' you speak of usually just want to sleep with me. To see 'if the curtains match the drapes' as the saying goes.

It’s disgusting, and makes me feel like a whore.

Why do they think I’m so easy?

.

I'm sorry your sensei died. I don't know what I'd do if he died. It would be just one person I no longer have in the world.

But for some reason I don't want to think about that.

Thanks for being there, I think.

(I still think you might be crazy and just lying to yourself.)

.

I've only seen the one.

I honestly didn't know switching was an option. Though why that didn't occur to me, I have no idea.

(Honestly. People change doctors at the hospital all the time, how could they not change therapists!? I feel stupid).

...

Dear Sakura,

I assure you, I had nothing to do with your rent issue. ;)

I hope positive things start outweighing the negatives for you.

I hear your food situation. Before my team went on missions but after my father died, there was never enough money to go around. The meager 'allowance' the village gave orphans was pathetic. I hope it has improved since then.

About the food.

Yes.

It was the most I could do to shove down crackers some days. They tasted stale and half the time they came back up. My energy wasn't very good then, either.

.

Men like that disgust me. Women should be treated with respect, they don't even deserve to be called men. Not douchebags either... Perhaps an amoeba? A single celled organism with a one track mind. The ones I have in mind would not treat you like that or I would be the living daylights out of them.

You aren't easy, after all you say no when they try, don't you?

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself.

.

He died a long time ago, and was an upstanding shinobi. I will never forget him.

It's nice to know that you feel the same about your sensei.

I will always be here for you, even if you don't want me to.

.

Have you tried seeing Dr. Lipschitz? He was fairly young when I saw him and I think he might still be practicing. I can get you a referral if you want.

(P.S. You are not stupid, and I am not crazy.)

*doodle of flower*

...

He sent off the letter as usual. There were always a day or two between letters but they had become sort of regular to his day in and day out routine.

"Shikamaru."

"Yes?"

"How’s the active duty thing going with Sakura?"

"I'm still working on contacting her therapist, he seems to be pretty stubborn. No wonder she doesn't to see him."

"I'm working on transferring her to a different doctor. Maybe we will have a little better leeway then."

"Yes, sir."

"And how is the hospital? Have they responded?"

"There's a letter from them on your desk, sir."

"Ah, so there is. Thank you, Shikamaru that is all."

.

Hokage-sama,

 

We have reviewed your request to reinstate Haruno Sakura to her previous position. We still feel a bit wary of her mental state, but are willing to give her a trial period.

 

KHHR

.

_Assholes._

 

KHHR,

 

Thank you for your reply, please inform Ms. Haruno of her reinstatement period. If you should have any problems, let me know directly before taking action.

 

Rokudaime Hokage,

Hatake Kakashi

...

Dear Stranger,

I apologize for taking so long to reply to you, I'm just a little thrown off.

You will NEVER GUESS what happened to me today!

(Don't even try, you'd never know.) The hospital offered to reinstate me!

I start tomorrow!

I haven't worked in what seems like forever, I'm a little worried, but mostly excited!

I hope they don't think I've had a mental break or something.

D:

.

Naruto used to have the same issue when we were younger, and I witnessed the meagerness for myself once my parents died. Of course they died in a massive attack on the village so it wasn't like Konoha has extra money in her pockets for the many orphans amongst her ranks. I just tried to make it work with mission payments at that point. (It worked usually, but of course I was on the active duty roster at the time and you know that I am no longer on it.)

.

I actually snorted reading that comment about the assholes I seem to attract. You are not wrong in thinking them to be as low as amoeba. I appreciate you defending my honor, it really makes me think that there might still be hope for the male population of this village.

.

Who is Dr. Lipschitz?

Tell me about him.

(P.S. Don't quit your day job, those doodles are awful.)

...

Kakashi smiled. Finally some progress. And she's interested in Lipschitz!

 

Dear Sakura,

I'm glad you're going back to something you love. Let's hope that a fake smile won't be necessary. Or at least if not tomorrow, then in the future.

I hope it goes well for you.

.

Glad I could redeem the male population.

.

Dr. Lipschitz is an excellent therapist, if a bit intense.

He won't take any bullshit, so don't bring anything in there but honesty. He was (and probably still is) one of the most sought after therapists in Konoha. He's probably something like 50 now, but hey age is just a number and I'm sure he's only gotten better with age.

I know you didn't ask me to, but I wrote to him on your behalf and asked him if he was still practicing. He's willing to try it out if you are.

Attached is the referral to his office, and the address where you can go to see him.

 

By the way, have you had any problems with your neighbor lately?

Just curious

 

*doodle of a piece of cake*

^ look at this beautiful doodle. I should be an artist.

...

Dear Stranger,

Bad news.

Work was weird. I kept getting weird stares and everyone acted like I was a mental patient. If they're going to keep being like that I don't know if I want to surround myself with these people.

.

I think you should have asked me first.

But I will see him.

Just once.

Because he's so 'highly recommended.'

 

P.S.

What is that supposed to be a doodle of?

It looks like a pile of poop.

If it is supposed to be a pile of poop, I relinquish my earlier statement.

If not...

Please don't quit your day job, the world doesn't need any more starving artists. And let me assure you, you would be starving.

...

Dear Sakura,

People suck.

I hope you go back, even if it is just to show that they aren't affecting you like they want to.

You aren't mental.

 

I appreciate you accepting my recommendation and hope Dr. Lipschitz lives up to your expectations.

 

Have you heard from any old friends lately?

 

P.S. It was a piece of cake. I'm hurt.

*shitty doodle of crying Pakkun*

...

Dear Stranger,

I went back to work, and I'm going to just ignore the bitches for now. Get my shit together and keep my head down. I am just on a probationary/trial period right now. They couldn't snatch my job away from me at a moment's notice.

 

I saw Dr. Lipschitz.

You didn't tell me he was hilarious. We got along great and I'll be going back. I did have to do some sort of psych test for new patients but I was told it was routine for new patients, makes sense right?

(Right?)

.

I haven't heard from them.

 

P.S.

At least I can tell this one's a dog.

...

Hokage-sama,

 

We are delighted to inform you that Sakura has passed our preliminary psych evaluation. Attached is the written up report.

We do recommend that she keep seeing us, as we believe it would be beneficial for her mental health.

.

On a more personal note, Sakura is a wonderful girl, and I'm glad you reached out to me on her behalf. I think we can bring her back from the abyss she was in, though it seems you've kickstarted the process and I strongly encourage you to keep writing with her.

 

Until next time,

Dr. Lipschitz

 

[Enclosed: copy of preliminary psychological evaluation of Haruno Sakura]

...

Dear Sakura,

Keep up the good work with your job!

Proud of you! ^ - ^

 

I'm glad that the two of you get along so well!

.

About the friends.

Perhaps try reaching out? Even just one step. Baby steps are perfect. You said there were two members of your old team left? Talk to them.

Rekindling (and believe me these were cold ashes by the time I tried with mine), friendships can be a great way to get out there. Who knows? Maybe you'll meet someone ;)

 

*shitty doodle of Bull*

...

Kakashi sent off the letter and picked up Sakura's psych eval. It was to be expected. She passed, but was in the danger zone for suicide and depression. The notes seemed hopeful.

"Shikamaru."

"Yes?"

"I have Sakura's eval here. Reinstate her immediately."

"Yes, sir."

I'm so sorry we couldn't get it done sooner, Sakura. Forgive me.

He got up and stretched, the day had been a long one and it wasn't over yet. He walked to the window and whistled for a bird.

It was only a few moments before one alighted on the window sill.

"Wait just a moment for me and I'll have a letter for you."

The bird sat patiently on the window while he wrote another letter.

...

Dear Sakura,

It's been a while. We should catch up.

Want to meet up sometime next week?

 

Kakashi

...

He rolled the scroll up and attached it to the bird.

"Now don't deliver that until morning, okay? She needs her sleep."

The bird flew off.

"Hokage-sama?"

"Yes, Shikamaru?"

"I have those apartments you requested."

"Excellent."

...

Dear Stranger,

Your timing is oddly impeccable as always, Stranger, and I wonder again if you have anything to do with the events unfolding in my life.

(Though how could you possibly?)

My old sensei reached out to me this week. I'm going to meet up with him.

Maybe you're right?

Maybe this is a step in the right direction.

What could possibly go wrong?

...

Dear Kakashi,

Meet me after I get off work next Wednesday, 5 pm at the hospital. We'll go get some food and catch up :D

 

Sakura

...

Her note, albeit short, warmed his heart. A letter finally written to him. While I wish I could just tell her it's me, I don't want to lose the trust we've gained over these letters.

...

Dear Sakura,

I am afraid that I have nothing at all to do with anything that is happening to you outside these letters. I wish I did! It seems things are going great for you! It makes me happy to hear back from you with every letter.

 

I just hope that I can be a source of support for you.

...

Wednesday came faster than he thought, and Kakashi became nervous.

_Why am I nervous? I'm just talking to Sakura._

He shuffled the apartment recommendations together in a file to bring with him. Shikamaru had mentioned to him that in his interaction with Sakura's previous therapist that he had recommended a move for her, but it had never reached Kakashi's desk. It was sad, that he could have done something for her sooner.

_Best not to dwell on the past, you can't go back and you can't change anything._

It was 4:30, and while Kakashi usually kept everyone waiting, he didn't want her to leave thinking he had stood her up, so he left.

_Why does this feel like a date?_

_It was most definitely not a date._

"See you tomorrow, Shikamaru."

"Have a nice evening, Hokage-sama."

...

Kakashi arrived at the hospital right on time. Sakura was walking out the door just after he arrived.

She stopped in her tracks.

"Holy shit you're on time."

"Hello."

She shook her head and smiled. It didn't quite reach her eyes, but he knew she was trying.

"How are you, Kakashi-sensei?"

"I am well, and you?"

_She's too thin_. Her clothes hung off her frame, her eye sockets were too deep. The bags under her eyes were nearly black, the skin ashy and grey instead of the flush pink he remembered. How much had happened to cause this? Her hair was thin and less vibrant, a washed out peach instead of the near strawberry bubble gum color of her youth.

"I'm doing okay."

"Great. And you can call me just Kakashi now. We are equals aren't we?"

"Far from it. You're the Hokage for crying out loud!"

"That may be true," they started walking, "but in reality, I'm just holding down the fort until Naruto gets his shit together and takes the job from me. You have no idea how bad I want retirement."

She smiled.

"And then Naruto will be Hokage. Who would have thought we'd all be where we are?" Her voice didn't match her smile.

"Aren't you right in line to take over as head of the hospital?"

She sighed.

"Not quite."

"Well I sincerely doubt she does a better job, I've met the woman, and I can tell you, I don't like her. Not a bit."

"I mean... you said it. I'm not going to disagree." She stared at the ground while they walked.

"So where are we eating?" Sakura shrugged, more preoccupied with the concrete than responding to the question.

A breeze rustled the trees around them it was early April now, but the evenings were still cool. Sakura was shivering, she had forgotten to bring a jacket with her. Kakashi took off his coat and offered it to her.

“Here,” she turned to him.

“Hm?” She seemed oblivious to what he was saying.

“Silly.” Kakashi took the coat and wrapped it around her shoulders.

_This is definitely not a date. Not a date. Not a date. Not a date._

His cheeks burned, _did she not want it?_

“Thank you.”

They continued walking.

“How does barbecue sound?”  Her voice was little more than a whisper.

“That sounds wonderful.” He relished the smile on her face.

_This was just supposed to be a way to cheer her up. To show her she’s not alone._

_Except now it feels like a date._

They reached the only barbecue place in town Kakashi had ever been to, (forever ago, when Asuma had dragged him along on a barbecue date with Chouji), Sakura was quiet when they were seated and remained quiet.

_She never used to be so quiet. I miss her feisty demeanor._

“So…” Kakashi started while they waited on their food to arrive, “how are things?”

“They’re getting better, but I was in a place for while… it wasn’t a good place to be.”

His chest felt tight, how could he have been ignorant for so long? He could blame the office, that he had been too busy ‘being Hokage’ to spend time with her. That was just an excuse. He fucking failed. Forgot about her, and he felt horrible about it.

“I’m sorry.”

“Not as if it was your fault. I was angry at you for a while though.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. You took me off the active duty roster, you have no idea how much I needed that.” She took a sip of her drink and added under her breath, “dick.”

“I’ll say it again. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I got the letter today saying that there had been a ‘clerical error’ and that my being taken off the roster was ‘a mistake’. I know full well that it wasn’t. I’ve also forgiven you, sort of.”

“It wasn’t?”

“No.” The finality in her words shut down the conversation. They wouldn’t be talking about that subject anymore.

Their server returned with their food. Sakura let him place the various meat pieces on the grill and they waited for them to cook. The smell of cooking meat was delicious. Her stomach growled. She blushed and looked away from him.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, I don’t imagine working at the hospital allows you much time to get out for a bite to eat.”

“You couldn’t be more right.”

The rest of their meal was fine, if not a bit stressful. Kakashi constantly filtered his words to avoid the subjects he really wanted to ask her about. About halfway through her meal, (Kakashi had already finished his) she shrugged off his coat and set it next to her in the booth. The file of papers inside crinkled.

“Kakashi, did you bring _work_ with you!?” she seemed either amused or offended he couldn’t be sure.

“Not work. Go ahead and take it out. It’s for you.” Sakura frowned while she took the file out of the jacket. She pushed her half-eaten plate away from her and opened the folder.

“Apartments?”

“Your therapists request reached our office. He said something about relocating. If you don’t mind me asking…. Is everything okay at home?”

She flipped through the pages, interested in the opportunity they held.

“Things are fine, I guess. What did he tell you?”

“Not much. Just recommended finding you a different apartment.”

“I see. The one good thing the bastard ever did for me.”

_Yeah, I feel that way too, Sakura._

She stopped about halfway through. Kakashi peeked over the edge of the folder to see which property she had stopped on. This one was actually a house, with spacious rooms and plenty of them, a backyard, a basement, a huge kitchen. It was everything you could want and the price was amazing.

“This one is amazing. How did you find these?”

“I have my ways.”

“Can I keep this?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you!” This time she looked up and her smile actually reached her eyes. It was the first time they had made actual eye contact all evening. Her eyes were so sad. They had a hard glint to them that wasn’t there the last time he had seen her. _How long ago was the last time I saw her?_ He couldn’t remember. Kakashi returned the smile.

She asked for the check.

When it arrived she moved to take it.

“No, it’s my treat.”

“Are you sure?”

“More than.”

He walked her home, anxious to see just how bad it was in person.

There were no words for the disgust he felt.

_How could I have allowed her to live in such squalor? For so long?_

The building she lived in was three stories, and seemed to lean. Everything had a brownish dinge to it and the parking lot smelled of old cigarette butts and garbage juice. Kakashi saw a rat crawl out of a hole in one of the walls. They walked to her apartment (The only one that was even relatively clean on the outside) and she thanked him for the evening and the apartments.

After unlocking her door and setting down the folder she turned back to give him his coat back.

“Keep it, if you want.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

_What are you doing?_

…

Dear Stranger,

Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had in a long while. I feel like I can breathe a little deeper, and maybe my future looks a little brighter.

You know how I met with my sensei last night!?

He found me some different apartments!

Ones that I might even be able to afford!

It was only a little awkward to go out with Kakashi alone. We hadn’t really ever done that before, and it was a new experience for both of us.

He let me keep his coat. ~~It smells like him~~. ~~I like it~~

Is that normal?

Why do I feel like we went on a date?

It was not a date, right?

~~Why do I feel like it would have been okay if it was?~~

But anyway I’m going to tour some of the apartments he found me and maybe I’ll finally get away from the shitty hellhole apartment and my creepy neighbors!

Feeling quite good,

Sakura

…

Dear Kakashi,

I had a really great time last night, thanks for coming out with me. We should do it again sometime!

Thanks again for indulging me,

Sakura

…

_You are a horrible person, Kakashi._

_She likes you._

_…_

Dear Sakura,

It sounds like things are looking up for you. I’m so happy that you’ve found something to be happy and excited about.

Send me a picture of the apartment you pick!

(P.S. I am also happy you will be leaving shitty neighbor and apartment).

…

Dear Stranger,

I think I’ve decided to go with a house rental, the first one that caught my eye actually. It’s such a beautiful home, I can’t wait to go somewhere I won’t have to worry about asshole neighbors and landlords and disgusting buildings. The landlord is so nice too!

Attached are a few pictures, hopefully they all make it to you!

…

Dear Sakura,

I enjoyed going out too, maybe we can meet up again next week? I’d like to see which apartment you pick!

*shitty doodle of a scarecrow with a scar over one eye*

…

_Hopefully she’ll pick up on it._

_Hopefully she won’t hate me._

_Hopefully I won’t ruin the trust I’ve so carefully nurtured with her._

Kakashi didn’t receive any letters for a while.

He had ANBU guards tailing her to be sure she was okay.

Sakura moved into her new apartment and things seemed to be going well for her at work. He tried convincing himself that she was just busy.

She wasn’t ignoring him.

She wasn’t mad.

…

Dear Kakashi (formerly known as STRANGER),

I would just like you to know, that I won’t be writing you any more letters.

~~You are an asshole~~

~~How could you~~

…

He felt more upset by the brief note than he thought he would be.

_You knew this was going to happen, the very moment you started writing you knew she would figure it out. She’s a smart girl, she would have gotten it eventually even without the stupid doodle._

A knock on his door brought his attention.

“Come in.”

The person who walked in was the last person he thought it would be.

As well as the only person he wanted to see.

She walked up and took a seat in one of the chairs set up in front of his desk.

“What can I do for you, Sakura?” He couldn’t keep just a bit of sadness leaking out into his voice. _Damn you Kakashi, you have no right to be sad, you stupid stupid man._

“Cut the bullshit, Kakashi. You know why I’m here.”

“I actually would like to know why you’re here. I thought you’d never want to see my face again. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame you. I acknowledge what I have done was stupid.”

“What made you think you had the fucking _right!?_ ”

“You are one of my citizens, I was worried—“

“I was YOUR FUCKING STUDENT. You couldn’t just take a little time out of your day to talk to me? In person.”

“I didn’t know it was you. Not at first.”

“Mhm.”

“Truly, Sakura. I was worried about you. I…”

Kakashi let his sentence drop. There was no getting through to her. _At least her circumstances are better now. At least she’s angry and yelling instead of bottling it up._

“I want to hurt you.”

“Why?”

“Because you hurt me, why else?”

“Very well.”

“Training ground 3, in an hour. And you better not be fucking late.”

She rose and stormed out.

_I’m both terrified and aroused right now, what the fuck is wrong with me?_

…

Kakashi made sure he wasn’t late to the grounds. There was no sense in messing with an already irate Sakura. He was sure she hadn’t been keeping up a training regimen, but that meant nothing to the woman who had trained under the legend that was Tsunade. _Is_ Tsunade. He saw her waiting for him. She was pulling on gloves for what was probably the first time in months and was loaded up in a uniform. _When was the last time you saw her in uniform? How did you forget how sexy it looked on her? Wait, when did it become sexy? When did Sakura become sexy?_

Kakashi walked up to her and she stopped.

“Hello, Sensei.”

“Sakura.”

She narrowed her eyes at him and dropped to a fighting stance.

_And so it begins._

…

_Pant. Pant. Pant._

“Pakkun—what did she do to us?”

“I don’t know. She must have been really mad. I think even the three posts knocked over at one point.”

Kakashi was lying flat on the ground, his arms spread out. He couldn’t catch his breath.

_And I thought she would be out of shape. Boy was I wrong. Never underestimate an angry woman._

He rolled over with a grunt and looked around for where the posts should be.

_Wait, where should they be??_

The training grounds that he had once had memorized forever in his mind were no more. There were still a few of the major trees but several had been reduced to splinters and there were at least 3 craters in the ground.

Where was Sakura?

The cool metal of a kunai pressed against his throat.

“You let your guard down, Sensei.” Her voice whispered in a malicious and icy tone. She could kill him with just the slightest twitch of her wrist.

“I concede.”

She relaxed and the blade left his throat.

“Thanks for letting me beat you.”

“Let you? I did not let you win. You beat me fair and square.”

“I haven’t touched a kunai in at least a year, come on. Be realistic.”

“Neither have I.”

“Wooowww… and this is our Hokage.”

_Ouch._

Kakashi sat up, and released Pakkun back to his world.

“Will you forgive me?”

She took a long drink from a water bottle and wiped sweat off her brow.

“Yeah. Just don’t ever lie to me again, or hide the truth or whatever it is you did. Don’t ever do it again.”

“Deal.” She offered him the bottle and he took a drink. The water was cool and refreshing. Delicious.

“So…”

“M?”

“I hear you had a good time on our last ‘date’. Maybe we could try again? Say… this Saturday night?”

She smiled and downed the rest of the water before throwing the bottle at him. It bounced off his chest and she shook her head.

“You are one silly man.”

“Is that a yes?”

Sakura seemed to debate the question for a moment.

“Yeah, I guess it is, though Mr. Universe might get jealous.”

Kakashi grinned as he pulled down his mask and leaned in for a kiss.

“I think I can manage.”

~ Fin

 

 

 

 


End file.
